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Relationships | ||
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 Hands
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When people talk about "relationships", they commonly mean romantic ones, as in dating or marriage. But we have relationships with family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, vendors, customers, colleagues, and even strangers. We even have relationships with "unreal" or imaginary others, including fictional and historical characters, and deceased or otherwise departed family and friends ~ as well as with animals, plants, places and things. What do we mean by this more general word "relationship"? We have a relationship with someone or something when we hold expectations, feelings, attitudes and desires about them and experience them in a way that matters in our lives. Proximity is not essential ~ it is possible to have no relationship with someone living three doors down but have a lifelong one with the city of Paris. Although each relationship is different, there are common principles which can guide us toward greater satisfaction in every relationship. These principles are not absolutes but directions in which to move or aspects to pay attention to. And they are most important in the relationships that are most important to us. |
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| back to top | Balance | ||
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Satisfaction in relationships is a direct function of their degree of balance. Some relationships are apparently one-sided ~ the book I'm reading does not care if I like it or not. But all healthy relationships are balanced, in that we experience giving to the other (I spend time with the book and give some attention to it) as well as receiving (I get a benefit from reading it, hopefully). If a relationship does not involve the experiences of giving and receiving, then it is imbalanced. We're not suggesting that relationships should be 50-50 or evenly matched among the parties to it. Balance in relationships is simply about the reciprocal nature of healthy relationships. If it is all about us investing with no associated sense of return (we're a "doormat"), or all benefit with no contribution from us ("user"), then ultimately it will be unsatisfying. In fact, relationships are rarely 50-50, at least moment to moment ~ sometimes we give a lot and receive little or nothing, while at other times we may be getting more out than we feel we are putting into a relationship. Balance in a relationship is sometimes only evident over longer periods of time. For example, we may have to finish a movie or book or know someone for a long time before we have a sense of reward in the relationship; until then, it may seem all about giving. On the other hand, we may get a lot from our parents as children but, hopefully, get to return the favor later in life. Therefore, patience is a key quality in those who wish to have satisfying relationships ~ if you need to get as soon as you give, your relationships are more likely to be short-lived and of less satisfaction. Tit-for-tat is not a good standard for either giving or receiving. |
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| Back to top | Flexibility | ||
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a good standard for either giving or receiving. |
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| Back to top | Freedom | ||
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a good standard for either giving or receiving. |
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| Back to top | Commitment | ||
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a good standard for either giving or receiving. |
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| Back to top | Respect | ||
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a good standard for either giving or receiving. |
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| Sources: | |||
| 1. McLean, Carey & White, eds. 1996. "Men's Ways of Being". Westview Press, Inc., Boulder, CO. p. 4. | |||
| 2. Roszak, Theodore. "The Gendered Atom". 1999. Conari Press, Berkeley, CA. p.117. | |||
| 3. Jenkins, Alan. "Moving Towards Respect: A Quest for Balance". In McLean, Carey & White, eds., op cit., p.120-121. | |||
| 4. Weiss, Craig Scott. "Fathering as a Spiritual Practice". 1999. MenWeb: http://www.menweb.org/fathspcw.htm | |||
| 5. Kimbrell, Andrew. "A manifesto for men". May/June, 1991, Utne Reader No. 45. http://www.utne.com | |||
| 6. "Preliminary U.S. Mortality Data for 2000 released by the Centers for Disease Control". Hospital Management.Net. 2002. http://www.hospitalmanagement.net/informer/management/manage16/ | |||
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7. "The Men's Therapy Project". The Men's Health Network. 2002. http://www.menshealthnetwork.org/ProgramAreas/Therapy.html |
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8. "Latest Research Findings on Battered Men and Women". 2001. MenWeb: http://www.batteredmen.com/batresrh.htm |
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